


Slow Steps Toward the Heart

by darkgaaraluver



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure, Digimon Adventure tri.
Genre: First Kiss, Introspection, M/M, Mental Breakdown, bit of a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 09:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15116765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkgaaraluver/pseuds/darkgaaraluver
Summary: Koushiro is left trying to sort through all the things that happened during tri as well as his bad timing in realizing he'd been in love with Tai the whole time. Everything swirls together. Someone comes to check on him.





	Slow Steps Toward the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if we still need spoiler warnings for tri but this very much goes into some things. I'm not really sure what to do for tags for this or what exactly kind of break down Izzy has, it's kinda like a ptsd attack / kind of a panic-anxiety attack I have both personally and they can be hard to separate so if you would like a specific tag just let me know, as well as if you see any glaring errors I missed as I didn't have a beta or anyone read this at all before posting. Also I do not bash nor want to bash any ships. Every other ship tag not taishiro is only implied or mentioned. I'm a definite multishipper for digimon lol.

Now that it was over Koushiro had to wonder how he could have missed the obvious. He supposed that before the infection he’d been too content to really question things. To focused on learning, and growing, and being happy in the presence of those he cared about. If he could look over his shoulder everyday and see him there smiling at him, what was the point of looking into it. There hadn’t seemed to even be a question.

Any anxiety Koushiro had when Tai would spend time with Yamato or Sora was easily suppressed after all. Koushiro had a great deal of work to do now outside of school. Far and away from that even, it did give Koushiro a great deal of happiness to know that the three were still so close. That the group wasn’t drifting as far apart as Koushiro secretly feared.

Now Mimi. Koushiro turns the thought of her over in his head. If he can’t be honest with himself who else could he talk to? Could he really see himself spending time with her? Like that? Could he see himself actually living in her orbit as more than a friend? As a partner? No. No he couldn’t. She was pretty and bubbly and willing to talk to him as most girls weren’t, but that didn’t make a partnership.

Koushiro shifted his head where it rested on his arm. He had never really noticed the view out his office window before. He was usually facing the other way.

The truth was that he could only see himself with one person.

He tried to think back. When exactly was it that he’d fallen so completely into Taichi orbit? Was it approximately a million years ago when Taichi was the only one in the soccer club to talk to the quiet little weirdo who never wanted to actually play, and not only talk but invite the kid to summer camp? Was it when Taichi had grabbed his hand to run from kuwagamon that first day? Was it in a damp forest, or across a desert? Was it when he was banging on his laptop? When he’d disappeared the first time, when Koushiro had fought so hard to find him, had left the group he couldn’t stand to be a part of without him?

Had it been in a machine city? That day Koushiro had learned, really learned, more about Taichi in a single day than the whole rest of their friendship. Was it then? It had to have been by then at least. It had to have. He had seen first hand the actual depths of Tai’s bravery, of his love for his sister and friends.

Koushiro pinched himself. Getting so emotional wouldn’t help him go through all this.

Taichi’s fight with Piedmon rushed to the front of his thoughts. He’d had many a nightmare about that fight. He’d never seen one of their own get beaten like that, take the same punches as their digimon. That Taichi wouldn’t let Koushiro help him still hurt his heart a bit to think of.

Koushiro remembered what happened shortly after that too. Yamato running up, holding Taichi in his arms. Helping him in a way Koushiro would have given anything to be able to. It had always been those two though. Koushiro knew that. They had gotten megas first, together, holding hands. They had fought and bleed for each other, with each other. Koushiro remembered the first time he saw Omnimon. It had been the most amazing thing he’d ever seen. Truly awe-inspiring. It had been like the most pure forms of their souls had come forth and joined together. Even now while all of them had gotten to mega they remained the only ones in their generation to jogress. Even though the younger kids could all do it it felt different with them. Less intimate. The only ones that came even close to them was Daisuke and Ken.

Koushiro let himself be distracted for a moment thinking about who from their generation he would even consider jogressing with. He cared deeply about all of them, but he couldn’t think of anyone besides Taichi he’d want to be that intimate with.

He was so tired.

It’s been a week since the end of the world but he hadn’t slept since Taichi fell in that crack. Days and Days where he’d closed his eyes and saw Taichi disappear.

That was when he’d figured it out. Finally. So late.

It hadn’t felt real at first. When he was around the others it felt even less real. But then he’d gone to the bathroom and had one look in the mirror and suddenly. Suddenly. He’d had to take some time apart. He’d snuck down to the computer lab and instead of sitting at a computer he’d curled up in a corner. And Realized. He hadn’t cried though. He thought he was in too much shock.

Then he’s joined everyone else only to see Yamato wearing Taichi’s goggles. He thought he felt another shard of his heart chip off at that but he made no mention. Gave no outward sign. They had bigger issues. So much bigger issues than one boy’s heart.

It had been right anyway. Even Koushiro couldn’t deny that. No one else deserved to wear the goggles more. Yamato was a part of Taichi. Koushiro would have handed them over himself if Yamato didn’t already have them. The rightness was what made it hurt.

Koushiro remembered making those goggles. He remembered giving them to Taichi. How he’d worked through the exhaustion to help the group. To make Taichi happy. To save Tentomon, the best friend he’d ever have. He was so happy to hand them over.

Taichi had come back though. Even now it was hard to remember.

He hadn’t even been able to appreciate it properly at the time. He had to help save the world. They all did.

Even right after, others clearly had more right to him than Koushiro did. Like Hikari. Like Yamato.

There came a point where he couldn’t stay away any longer though. He couldn’t keep looking at Taichi from afar, surrounded by people that loved him, so alive it hurt to look at. It seemed like a dream. So Koushiro had walked quietly up behind him while he was talking to Yamato and just put his hand on his shoulder. Taichi had stopped talking mid-sentence to turn around and smile at him and Koushiro had shed a couple tears in relief, then immediately wiped at them, hoping in vain that Taichi wouldn’t see. It felt like the sun rising for the first time in days. He remembers Taichi’s surprised face melting into a relaxed smile as he’d turned all the way around and wrapped his arms around Koushiro’s torso. Koushiro had flung his arms around Taichi’s shoulders and pressed his face into his neck.

Taichi had hung on until Koushiro had stopped crying. When Koushiro had looked over at Yamato’s face afterwards he saw shock change to a deep understanding that made Koushiro uncomfortable down to his bones.

When they pulled apart Koushiro had been embarrassed and Taichi had scratched his head awkwardly and then let himself be pulled away by a sobbing Mimi.

Koushiro had been avoiding him since.

Well, as much as he could. There was work to be done by all of them after everything that was happening and Koushiro could hardly avoid their leader then. He knew he couldn’t face him one on one though until he’d sorted out his feelings and got a handle on them, so he’d stuffed his feelings in a box to concentrate on work. Mimi had called it his ‘robot mode’. It had gotten so bad in fact that Mimi had even taken Tentomon with her last time she’d visited to go shopping with her and the girls.

The work was almost done though. He had been too good at focusing. He couldn’t keep it all in much longer. Everytime he even blinked it seemed he was seeing Taichi behind his eyelids. He didn’t remember the last time he’d talked to his mom, or eaten anything homecooked. He missed him.

He pictured the last time he’d seen Taichi, pressed shoulder to shoulder with Yamato at the last meeting. He’d tried to catch Koushiro’s eye at the start but Koushiro had ignored the attempt to focus on the work and Taichi had stopped to trade secret looks with Yamato off and on the rest of the meeting.

He was such an idiot. A flood washed up from inside Koushiro and he was helpless to stop it. Great gulping sobs burst out of him. It took him losing Taichi entirely to realize how much he loved him. He’d had years and years and it took until now. So long. And now he couldn’t stop pushing him and everyone else away because he was selfish and wanted to hog Taichi to himself. Taichi and Yamato were happy together. Koushiro needed to get a hold of himself. He wrapped his arms around himself, shaking.

If only he’d realized then, or then, or then. Maybe if he said something in that moment or that one. Why did he always have to learn lessons the worst way possible? In this, with Tentomon, in the digital world. In seeing his best friend erased. He could solve math problems at a glance but he needed to lose to figure things out in the real world?

To late, to late, to late.

It was the only thing going through his mind anymore, that penetrated that hallow blackness inside.

Koushiro had no idea how long he’d sat there sobbing and shaking before he felt arms wrap around him. They were warm and sturdy against him and he sunk into them, grabbing the person’s shirt in a shaky grip.One of the hands moved up from his shoulder blades to his hair and gently pushed his head down onto a broad shoulder.

Koushiro continued to sob for awhile in this person’s arms, before slowly and shakily realizing where he was. When he did he tensed up and tried to push away, choking back as hard as he could on his tears. The person holding him wouldn’t let go though. They pushed Koushiro’s head back down on his shoulder and spoke gently in his ear.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay Izzy. Try to breath with me okay? In...Out….”

Koushiro recognised the voice right away. He’d never mistake Taichi’s voice. His eyes widened and he held as still as he could in embarrassment, but Taichi’s voice was relaxing and he smelled like warmth and sweat and maybe cinnamon and slowly Koushiro matched up his breathing until he was calm and boneless against Taichi.

Taichi’s hand slid down out of Koushiro’s hair and down his back, rubbing soothing circles. Koushiro let his hands slid down Taichi’s chest and rise slowly up around his back until he was holding Taichi tightly, almost desperately. Taichi slowly stopped his hand.

“Izzy what’s, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” Taichi pulled away slowly until Koushiro’s arms fell, but Taichi kept his on Koushiro’s shoulders, making him look at him.

Koushiro refused. He couldn’t think of what to say, how to explain. He only stared at the fabric of Taichi’s jeans on his bended knee.

“You haven’t talked to me in days, and I come to check on you and find you like this? Dude, we’re best friends, you can tell me anything okay?” Taichi lifted Koushiro’s chin. Koushiro had no choice but to look at him like this. The setting sun shone onto the side of his face, making his eyes seem to glow.

Taichi’s voice got gentler. “Tentomon told me you haven’t been sleeping or eating. Mimi said you haven’t been out of your computer in days, that she hadn’t seen you this bad since the digital world. You’ve been avoiding me since everything happened. I wanna be here for you but you gotta tell me.” Taichi’s mouth tilted up in a small smile. Koushiro couldn’t look away. “You know, usually Yamato’s the one I have the not-talking issue with.”

Koushiro felt something rush through him. A couple tears slid back down his face but he jerked his head away fast and wiped at them hard.

It was quiet for a second, but it was broken by Taichi’s quiet. “Koushiro.”

“N-nothing is wrong Taichi, everything is perfectly fine. I’m perhaps just a bit stressed is all.” Koushiro turned to face Taichi as he spoke, but couldn’t meet his eye.

“Damnit Koushiro! I want to help you! I want my friend back! I can’t help if I don’t know though!” Taichi’s outburst shocked Koushiro into looking Taichi in the eye. A hard gleam had entered it. But even as it appeared it softened out again. “Please, Kou. Please tell me. Even if you won’t or can’t at least don’t lie to me okay? I wanna be here for you the way you are for me.”

Koushiro couldn’t take it anymore. He burst up out of his chair. Taichi scrambled back and onto his feet as well. “You wanna know? You really wanna know? I can’t- I can’t take this! Ever since the infection appeared nothing I’ve done has been good enough! I lost Tentomon! I lost YOU! I failed everybody! I let you down! It’s my job to come up with the answers and I just couldn’t this time! Everytime I close my eyes I see horrible things. I see you dieing! I see Tentomon with a blank look in his eyes! And there is so much going on that I need to do, to work on to fix my mistakes but the only thing I can think of is how stupid I am! How long it took me! I’ve loved you for years! Years! Maybe since I met you! But now I’m alone because there is no way I can compare to Yamato! And it’s all stupid and juvenile and I miss my friend! But-but I can’t- I can’t-”

Koushiro cut himself off with a cry, burying his face in his hands.

Taichi put his hands over Koushiro’s and pulled them away from his face. When Koushiro could look up he saw an impossible fondness in Taichi’s eyes. “Kou. It’s been- it’s been a horrifying time to be honest. Worse than the other times even maybe. Everyone is dealing with stuff from it. Everyone. I had to watch Sensei die and that’s not something I think I’ll ever get over-”

“Taichi-”

Taichi squeezed Koushiro’s hands. “But no one blames you Koushiro. No one. You did the very best you could, often at your own expense. No one can solve all the world's problems, but you’ve probably come the closest. We know we can count on you. I can count on you. Always. I can always count on you. I care about you Kou. So much. Maybe even more than Yamato cares about Sora. And that’s a lot.”

Koushiro saw Taichi’s lips turn up into a fond smirk. He felt his eyes widen and gulped. Taichi must have noticed because his smirk grew as he leaned forward. Koushiro felt Taichi’s hands leave his in a daze. His mouth fell open as Taichi’s hands gently cupped his cheeks, he tilted his head back on reflex as Taichi took that last step forward.

Their lips connected. Both their lips were chapped and caught on one another as Taichi moved. It took Koushiro a few seconds to respond, his heart felt like it had taken wings and flown out of his chest. He tentatively reached his hands out and grabbed the bottom of Taichi’s orange overshirt.

The kiss only lasted a minute before Taichi pulled away. Koushiro tried to follow to his embarrassment, but Taichi only pulled away far enough to rest his forehead on Koushiro’s. “Koushiro. I love you too. It’s okay it took you a long time to realize. I’m right here. I would have been here sooner but it took me awhile too. I’m sorry.”

Koushiro felt like his heart was breaking into pieces and putting itself back together. “How long? I always thought-Yamato?”

Taichi gave a short laugh practically against Koushiro’s lips and his stomach flipped. “Not until the hug a week ago if you can believe it. But it’s never been Yamato. He-It is like he’s a part of me. But. We’re so close it’d be weird to date? I don’t really know and a lot of times I don’t understand it but. It’s always been you.”

Taichi grinned brighter than the sun and slowly ran his hands down Koushiro’s chest and stomach until he was gripping his waist, then gave a little pull towards him in a way that ensured that Koushiro looked like a tomato. “Can I kiss you again Koushiro?”

The words came out teasing and all Koushiro could do was give a weak “Please.” That Taichi almost kissed the end off of.

Taichi paused after a brief peck though. He whispered against Koushiro’s lips. “You can touch me. I’m not gonna run away.” Then he waited there.

And well. There was one place Koushiro wanted to touch more than any other. He ran his hand lightly against Taichi’s front and up around his neck to bury them in his hair. Koushiro’s whole body felt hot. He wasn’t sure if it was embarrassment or something else. Taichi’s hair was even softer than he had imagined in his weaker moments. He used it to pull Taichi forward against his mouth, not giving him anymore chance to talk.

This time the kiss was harder, hoter. It felt like they were trying to shove all the feelings they’d ever had about the other into one kiss, to climb inside the other. Taichi’s tongue was cool inside Koushiro’s mouth and all he wanted was closer, more. He barely felt it when Taichi untucked his shirt, but he let out a low, involuntary moan when he felt Taichi’s hands run up the skin of his back. He pulled Taichi’s hair a bit at the feeling and Taichi choked in the back of his throat. Koushiro could feel them get a bit carried away, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away.

“Um, are they trying to eat each other?”

“No, I think it’s called kissing, Sora and Yamato do it all the time.”

The two sprang apart as fast as they could, only to see Mimi, Sora, and Yamato standing in the doorway with a whole bunch of shopping bags and their digimon, Tentomon in the lead. Koushiro’s face was on fire and he rapidly started tucking his shirt back in, out of breath and not knowing what to say. When he glanced sideways at Taichi he saw that he was also pretty red and panting. He ran a hand through his hair, blushed harder, and quickly took it out.

When Koushiro managed to finally look up he saw that Yamato had raised one eyebrow, Sora was smiling wide with a slight blush, and Mimi was trying to look stern but failing to hide her elation. The digimon just looked confused.

Taichi shuffled his feet over and grabbed Koushiro’s hand. Koushiro couldn’t help the look of astonishment he gave him. Taichi only squeezed his hand and stood looking at the others in determination.

Yamato dropped his eyebrow to smile and roll his eyes at them. Mimi stopped trying to look stern for a look that was more like her birthday had come early. Sora broke the weird stare-off. “Congratulations you two! I’m happy for you.”

Tentomon came up to Koushiro and tapped him on the shoulder. “Ne, ne, Koushiro-han I don’t understand what’s going on. Are you two getting along again?”

“Er,” Koushiro blushed when all the attention shifted soley onto him. “We were never fighting Tentomon.”

“I know you never argued, but you were so unhappy whenever he came up and so unlike yourself around him I just thought I missed something.”

Taichi chose now to break in with a grin. “We’re saying we’re together now. Izzy’s gonna be my boyfriend! The best one on the planet.”

“Taichi!” Koushiro had never felt so flustered in his life.

Everyone burst out laughing as Taichi dropped Koushiro’s hand to wrap an arm around his shoulders. Koushiro felt warm and safe.


End file.
